If You Love Me
by Yazzy
Summary: Bryan finds out something terrible about Tala and gets angry with him. Before he has a chance to apologize, tragedy befalls Tala and only Bryan can help him. Contains rape references. Yaoi, TalaBryan.


Hey y'all! This story was a bit of a niggle for me, because I wasn't sure about the rating. It has rape references, but nothing graphic...but still... Anyway, Tala gets raped, and Bryan has to help him. That's the basic gist of the fic, or as basic as I can get without ruining the story. Happy reading!

* * *

Tala looked at the floor and sighed. He was still feeling an aftershock of total and utter mortification; Bryan had seen him.

Or, more correctly, Bryan had seen him pole-dancing in front of a couple of hundred other men. Tala was itching to ask why Bryan was in a gay bar in the first place, but the dark look on Bryan's face made him stay silent.

"How long?"

Tala shifted away on his chair slightly. "A few months..." He scrunched in on himself slightly, waiting for an outburst. He wasn't disappointed. "Tala, how could you! How could you do this to yourself! You -lied- to me! Is this where you've been going all this time?"

Tala nodded and edged away. "It's just a job, Bryan..."

"A JOB! Prancing around on a stage wearing almost nothing is a JOB!"

"I get paid don't I?" Tala tried to close his lips around the question but it sprang out anyway. "What were you in here for anyway?"

"You lied to me." Persisted Bryan, ignoring the question.

"I only lied because I knew you'd do this!" Yelled Tala. He regretted the words instantly. Bryan shook his head, almost sadly, but still with a look of total fury in his eyes. "What have you become, Tala? Where is your dignity?"

"Right where Boris left it, on the floor of the gym!" Tala shot back. Bryan winced, but Tala continued. "How dare you act like you're so proud and dignified! You were never the one they wanted their way with! Boris -raped- me, Bryan. At least -they- don't touch me!" He yelled, waving a hand towards the door. "They can't hurt me by watching!"

"Is this what it is? Rebelling against Boris? You're just a whore," Tala gasped. "A disgusting little whore!"

"Wh-whore? No! You're wrong!"

Bryan glared. "What is it then? What possible reason could you have for doing this?" He looked around the tiny dressing room contemptuously. "Or was the 'no' because you're trying to convince yourself that this is okay?" He sighed frustratedly. "You should have told me."

"So you can be as horrible as you're being now!"

"No, so I could tell you how stupid you're being!" Bryan's expression softened. "Why are you doing this Tala?"

Tala turned his face away and shrugged. "Because...I can. Because...they all come to watch me...they come to look at me...I just...want to be wanted, I suppose..."

Bryan pulled him up and held him close. "-I- want you...you know that. You know how I feel about you..." Tala looked at him, then down at the hands resting on his hips. He struggled away, looking slightly horrified. "D-Don't-!" He shuddered, and Bryan stepped back.

"Come home, Tala."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to be there when you walk in and tell Ian and Spencer all about this!"

"They aren't in. And even if they were I wouldn't tell them."

Tala turned away rudely. "I don't care."

Bryan growled impatiently. "You're being impossible, Tala!" Tala sniffed and continued looking the other way. Bryan could see his mocking, derisory glare in the cracked mirror. "You're so fucking naive!" He yelled angrily.

"What do you mean by that!" Spat Tala.

"You seem to think all those men will never do anything other than watch, but men look and lust and desire, and the more that do, the more chance you have of finding one who looks with his hands and not his eyes!" Bryan opened the door and walked out. "If you had any sense you'd quit while you're still okay." He slammed the door behind him and stalked away.

* * *

Bryan lay on his bed, regretting all of those things he'd said to Tala, things which the redhead hadn't deserved... But he'd been so angry, seeing Tala, Tala who he regarded higher than himself, Tala who he loved, being watched by all of those disgusting men...it had made his blood boil.

He rolled over disgusted with himself. He knew how Tala felt about being touched, so why had he touched him? He looked over at the clock. It was nearly eleven. He decided to wait up for Tala and apologize. He settled down with a book, still worrying about Tala.

* * *

About three quarters of an hour later, there was a knock at the door. Bryan almost ran to answer it. He opened it and found Tala standing there. "Tala, I..." He stopped short. Tala was shaking visibly, and his eyes were wide and staring. He stepped into the house, not seeing Bryan properly, and keeled over, onto his knees and then his front. Bryan shut the door quickly and looked down at him. His eyes travelled over Tala's slim figure, over his torso, back, and then his legs. Suddenly he stopped. There was a stain on his backside, slowly spreading. A red stain... "No...oh no..." He knelt down, turning Tala over. Tala squirmed out of his grip, looking terrified for a second, then realised it was Bryan and laughed, a horrible high laugh totally unlike his normal one. Tears coursed down his face as he curled up on himself, whimpering. "You were right... He choked. "You were...r-right..."

"Tala..."

"Don't touch me! Please..." Bryan paused, made motionless by Tala's desperate whisper.

"Tala...I have to touch you...you can't stay on the floor..."

"No..."

"Tala...please...please trust me..." Begged Bryan. He picked Tala up gently, feeling the redhead shiver as he was lifted into the air. "Who did this to you?"

"I d-don't know...I feel so dirty..."

Bryan took Tala upstairs, and was about to take him into his bedroom when Tala wriggled suddenly. "No...I want a bath..." He touched his arms disgustedly. "I'm so dirty...so...d-dirty..." His eyes were still wide and staring, and it was unnerving Bryan. He kicked open the door of the bathroom and sat Tala next to the bath, shoving in the plug and putting on the taps.

"Utsukushii..." Tala choked.

"What?"

"H-he said that..."

"He was japanese?"

"I d-don't remember..." Wailed Tala. His fingers scrabbled at his arms, tearing at his skin. "S-so dirty...like a whore...like a p-prostitute-!" Suddenly his nails tore through his skin, leaving a line of red welling up. Bryan took hold of his hands as he went to do it again, and Tala screamed, shocked by the sudden contact.

"Tala! Tala, it's me!" Tala jerked away, hitting his head off the side of the bath. Bryan reached round and cupped the back of his head and he screamed again in blind panic.

Bryan let go of him, unsure of what to do. Tala's screams were so high and shrieking, they were confusing him. Desperately, he put a hand over Tala's mouth. Tala convulsed suddenly, eyes bugging out. Bryan panicked. He let go of Tala and shut the taps off as the water threatened to spill. Tala was slumped against the bath, gasping for breath. "Tala..."

"Am I really a wh-whore, Bryan?" Whispered Tala, shutting his eyes tightly, tears flowing out from beneath the closed lids.

"No! Tala, no, you're not! I was just angry! Oh Tala..." Tala shook his head violently and dragged himself up, using the side of the bath as a support. He looked down at the bathwater, then his knees buckled and he fell.

Bryan caught him, trying to touch him as little as possible. Tala sagged in his arms, tears falling onto the carpet. "It h-hurts...and I feel...so filthy..." He struggled towards the water and Bryan held him helplessly.

"Tala...you need to take off your clothes..."

Tala reached for his buttons and seemed to lose heart halfway there and dropped his arms. "I-I can't..." Hesitantly, Bryan closed his fingers around the buttons Tala couldn't reach. The wolf stiffened suddenly and gasped. "B-Bryan-!"

"Please...please trust me Tala..." Tala took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and nodded, allowing Bryan to strip him and lower him into the water. Bryan went to let go, intending to leave Tala to himself, but Tala grabbed his arms suddenly. He looked down at himself and then away. His nails, which had already been digging into Bryan's arms, dug further, making Bryan wince.

He was so absorbed with his own pain he didn't notice Tala forcing himself under the water. When he looked up and saw Tala's tortured features through a haze of shimmering water, he panicked again. He yanked Tala up, then rubbed the red marks he raised by doing so, feeling guilty as Tala whimpered. "Tala...you're scaring me..."

"Am I dead?"

"No...no you're not...Tala..."

"It h-hurts..." Tala reached out and grabbed Bryan's shoulders. "Help me..." He whispered pleadingly.

"How can I help you? I don't know what to do!" Tala sobbed and wrenched himself out of Bryan's grip, submerging himself again. Bryan looked down at him, heart hammering. Was Tala trying to drown himself? It looked that way... But he didn't know...how could he know? He didn't have any way of guessing at what Tala could possibly be thinking, or at what he wanted...

Perhaps thirty seconds went by, and Bryan became sure that Tala was trying to kill himself. He pulled Tala up by his shoulders and then out of the water, grabbing a towel off the rail and wrapping Tala's quivering form in it. He set him down on the floor and turned back to the bath, tugging out the plug, wanting to be sure Tala wasn't going to try anything stupid again. He turned back to his friend, anxious beyond belief. Tala was lying prone on the floor, hair slicked down with water, cloaking his face. He gave a single, heart-breaking sob and clutched at Bryan as he picked him up.

As he realised he was being lifted, Tala's hands turned to claws, pushing at Bryan in abject terror. Bryan carried him quickly into his bedroom as Tala sobbed brokenly, by turns clinging to him and trying to push him away. As he deposited Tala on his bed, he felt a rush of hate towards whoever had reduced his proud little wolf to that state.

Tala curled up on his side, still shaking, still crying. Bryan stood there for a second, then reached down and started drying Tala off with the towel. However, as soon as his hands made contact, Tala screamed. "NO!" The strangled cry made Bryan step back, desperately worried.

"Tala...Tala, I'm not going to hurt you. You can't stay wet, Tala, you'll get ill..."

"No...No..." Choked Tala, face contorted with pain.

"Tala, -please-!" Bryan wanted to reach out and touch Tala, to hold him and reassure him, but he was afraid of that nerve-shattering scream...he was afraid of scaring Tala, and of hurting him...he'd been so badly hurt already... "Tala..." Bryan knew he would have to find words to reach out to Tala with, but he couldn't seem to find any. He sat down near Tala, but Tala lashed out with his feet, forcing Bryan to stand up again. Tala squashed himself up further, arms wrapped tightly around his body.

Bryan watched him helplessly, then an idea struck him. He went to the airing cupboard and pulled out all of the spare blankets. He went back in and threw them over Tala one by one. "Tala, I know you don't want me to touch you, but I'm not going to let you freeze to death!" He knelt down beside the bed, sighing. "Tell me how to help you Tala."

"I was so scared..." Tala choked. "It was even w-worse than the abbey..." He pulled the blankets up over his head, as if trying to shut out the world. "I was j-just leaving...a-and...B-Bryan...are you there, or am I imagining it? I can't...I can't remember any more..."

"I'm here, Tala. I'm here for you if you need me." Bryan said quickly. Finally, Tala was going to talk to him.

"S-Someone pinned me up against a wall...and...and..." He tailed off, then his arm shot out of the blanket, reaching for Bryan's. "I kept saying 'no'...b-but he didn't listen! He didn't...listen..." He snivelled. Bryan squeezed his hand gently, horrified and angry on Tala's behalf. "It was so cold...and it hurt so much..."

"Oh Tala..."

"I wish I was ugly Bryan! Ugly and s-stupid! Then no-one would..." He stopped and took in a shuddering breath. "It's such an ugly word..." He whispered. "Rape..." Bryan squeezed his hand again, and he continued. "His hands were c-cold...and his nails hurt...I kept saying no...but he...he just..." Tala's face edged its way out of the blanket and he shivered. "I don't want to t-talk about it any more. Can you get me some clothes Bryan?" His voice was stronger than before, but still held that hint of a tremor. Nodding, Bryan stood up. He went to the wardrobe and opened it. Socks, boxers, t-shirt, trousers...loose trousers... He put them on the bed beside Tala. "Coffee or tea?"

"Chocolate." Said Tala, with a sniff.

Bryan left the room, leaving Tala to get dressed in privacy. When he came back up with a steaming mug of hot chocolate, made the way he knew Tala liked it, Tala was sitting on the pillows, dressed but still cocooned in the many blankets. He accepted the chocolate and sipped it tentatively. Bryan watched him nervously. "Can I...sit down?" He asked, voice soft. Tala looked doubtful for a second, then nodded. Bryan sat down at the other end of the bed and waited for Tala to say something.

"I...I'm tired, Bryan. But...what if he comes back? What if he followed me!" Tala put down his drink, huddling into the blankets in panic.

"He won't have followed you, Tala."

"How do you know?"

"Tala..." Bryan reached out, but Tala shook his head.

"He'll come after me!" He was shaking, eyes wide and wild.

"He won't, Tala. I won't let him."

"Do you promise?"

Bryan nodded. "I'll protect you, Tala."

Suddenly, and without any warning, Tala scrambled over to him and collapsed against him. He folded Bryan's arms around himself and buried his face in the crook of Bryan's neck. "I was so scared...I was so...so scared..." He clutched at Bryan's collar, fingers twisting in the fur. He sniffed, then stretched up and kissed Bryan on the lips gently.

"Tala..."

"I'm not scared any more...just hold me...you're safe..." Bryan held Tala tightly, seeing that Tala needed to be reassured of his judgement. Before long they were both asleep.

* * *

Bryan woke in the morning to the sound of someone gasping with pain. He sat up abruptly, looking around for Tala. He was standing in front of the mirror, and he was holding a knife. Bryan nodded, leant back again, then closed his eyes. He opened them again quickly and dived across to Tala, grabbing the knife from Tala's hands. "Tala, what are you doing?" Tala turned, and Bryan took a step back. Tala's cheeks were awash with blood, blood that was currently seeping from two cuts that went along Tala's cheeks, marring his delicate features.

"I don't want to be pretty. I don't want...I don't want people to look at me any more. I don't want anyone to want me..."

"Oh Tala..." Bryan reached out and touched Tala's cheek, fingers becoming coated with Tala's blood. He reached out and pulled Tala close to him, not caring when Tala's face brushed against his neck, staining it red. "I still think you're pretty..." He whispered.

"No! I don't want you to! I never want to be called pretty again!" Exclaimed Tala, pulling back from Bryan as if he were on fire.

"I'm sorry!" Bryan blurted out. He pulled Tala closer again. "I'm sorry..." He stroked Tala's hair softly. "I know this is the wrong time...I know you'll hate me...but no matter what you do to yourself, I'll always think you're beautiful. I love you..." He whispered. He closed his eyes, waiting for Tala to fly at him in a rage, or to cry, or to do -something-, but Tala just stood there, leaning against him.

"If you love me...maybe it's okay for you to think I'm pretty..." He said quietly. "Do you really love me? Or do you lust after me? They're different things...they're..." Tala bit his lip. "Different."

"I love you. Don't ever think I don't."

Tala stood back slightly, sighing. "I don't know if I could love you back..."

"Oh." Bryan felt suddenly as if someone had grabbed his heart and yanked it out.

"I want to love you...but..."

"But?"

"I...I don't feel that way at all." Tala frowned. "I thought I did...but..."

Bryan felt tears creep into his eyes and blinked them away. It was okay if Tala didn't love him. He'd be okay... "I'm sorry." He let go of Tala and turned to walk away.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

Bryan stopped but didn't turn. "Tala...it was okay before...I didn't mind...but hearing it said...I..." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. But...I...knowing...hearing that you don't love me..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I know it's selfish..."

"No!" Tala cried. "I didn't mean it like that!" He hesitated for a second, then walked over and stood behind Bryan. He touched his shoulder gently, then stepped back as Bryan turned. "I...I didn't mean..." He stuttered. Then, at a loss for anything to say, he flung his arms around Bryan's neck. "Don't leave me...I didn't mean it like that..."

Bryan could feel him shaking with a mix of terror and apprehension. "What did you mean then?" He asked, not daring to hope that Tala could possibly mean-

"I...I..." Tala broke into Bryan's thoughts, still unable to express himself. He stretched up and kissed Bryan again, smearing his drying blood onto Bryan's cheeks. Bryan pulled away from him, gasping. He didn't understand what Tala wanted, or what he was trying to say. For some reason it scared him... "I don't understand, Tala..."

Tala reached up and closed his hands over his cheeks. He looked down at the floor. "I...I...didn't think..." He stopped and shook his head. "I didn't think...I could trust anyone...but...when I said it...I...I do! I trust you!"

"Why won't you let me touch you then?" Bryan gasped as soon as he'd said it. What had he said that for? "I didn't mean it..."

But Tala was already walking towards him, testing himself and making himself get closer. Staring, Bryan held out a hand. Tala took it and reached out his hand for Bryan's remaining one. Bryan held it out, and Tala grasped it firmly. "I know you won't hurt me. But promise me. Promise-"

"I promise." Bryan whispered. Tala nodded, then moved closer, leaning against Bryan.

"I keep getting scared...I don't even know what's frightening me..."

Bryan folded his arms around Tala's back, but let go as Tala stiffened. Tala grabbed his hands and put them back. Bryan looked down into his face, and saw that he looked, for some reason, angry. "I'm being stupid! I know I am!" He cried, banging his head against Bryan's collarbone.

"Don't force yourself to do things..." Bryan said quietly, genuinely concerned.

"I'm not going to run away and hide! I won't let some stranger do that to me!"

Bryan smiled. Here was the old Tala, the Tala he hadn't seen for months, and had thought he'd never see again. "Maybe you should wash that off." He said, looking at Tala's cheeks. Tala nodded, then leaned down and licked Bryan's neck. "What-!"

"You're all covered in blood..."

"Yuck! That's gross!"

"It's mine anyway..." Tala replied, smiling slightly. Bryan lifted a hand and traced the curve of his lips.

"You smiled..."

Tala raised his eyebrows, strength and dominance coming back to him in waves. "What's so great about that?" He winced. "My cheeks hurt now..."

"I could...sort them out for you..." Tala smiled again and nodded, letting Bryan lead him into the bathroom. As he bathed Tala's cheeks, he could tell that Tala's old fire was coming back. He was so strong...

"Bryan? Would you...mind if we didn't tell Spencer and Ian? I don't...want them to know..."

"That's fine. It's your decision, Tala." Bryan finished cleaning Tala's cheeks and washed his neck and hands. Tala watched him, smiling. He was perched on the side of the bath, and as Bryan dried himself off he stood up, taking the towel from Bryan and patting him dry gently.

* * *

And so it became their secret. Surprisingly, the only difference anyone noticed in Tala after that was that he was more comfortable about people touching him, especially Bryan, although no-one suspected...

* * *

"Bryan?"

"Hm?"

"I don't want to go back to my own bed this morning."

"Okay." Tala stretched and smiled, kissing the tip of Bryan's nose.

"Last night was amazing..."

"Glad you thought so too."

"Screamer."

"Moaner." They laughed and engaged in a tickle-war until finally settling down and drifting off to sleep. Spencer found them like that about half an hour later, and wisely decided not to say anything.

fin

* * *

R&R? Please?

PS. I read this through and realised it was FULL of typos, so I've taken them out and this is the update.


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